Confession #5

As stated in my last post...almost a YEAR ago...I totally suck. I did good at the whole idea of a blog for about 5 days, and then fell off the face of the planet. But guess what? I'M BACK! Round number two of a sure to fail blog. HAHAHA Failblog! Ok, maybe not as funny to anyone but me. But I laughed. In my head. Just a little though.

One might think that when you reach a certain age, irrational fears tend to go away. For everyone that age will be different. Some might say by the time you reach school age, you should understand the difference between things that are real and things that are not. Certainly by the time you reach Middle School, mostly only rational fears will linger. And most definitely by the time you reach high school, all fears of the irrational category have long disappeared. Then there are the select few who drag those dumb, irrational fears with them into adulthood.

I debated whether or not to tell this story, as you see, I would like to keep my dignity in tact. But then I recalled a blog post that I wrote about a year ago, and decided that any bit of dignity that I may have had left at the time, was already tainted after that confession. So what the heck.  

This is not going to be a long story, nor is it super funny, at least probably not to other people other than me, but it is necessary to tell.

I was about three years old. I remember my mom being in the bath tub, and I don't remember why I was in the bathroom with her but I was. Probably just a little girls curiosity, wanting to be where mommy is. She was finishing up with her bath and pulled on the drain to let the water out. She started screaming and thrashing herself around in the water saying that the drain was sucking her in! I cried and balled tried pulling on her to get her out of the drain! Of course she was just faking it, sticking her toe in it to make it look like it was sucking her in. What a butt! Before this I remember watching a Freddy Krueger movie where is starts to come out of a drain to kill the girl. I thought that was what was happening to my mom!

My confession.....to this day, at 23 years old, my irrational fear of tub drains lingers. I hate them. When showering, I avoid placing my feet over the drain at all costs. Or even near the drain for that matter. I am not a 3 year old girl anymore, I know that I can not get sucked it, yet I'm still scared. Stupid? Irrational? Probably. But I cant help it darn it!!

Confession #4

I suck. The end.

Confession #3

It has been a long, long, long time since I have been to the dentist. Did I mention that it has been a reeally long time?? I just need to make sure I am getting across the length of time that it has been. I also need to mention that the last, and I am pretty sure only, time I went I had absolutely nothing wrong with my teeth. Which means I needed no root canals, no fillings, and no novacaine! Which also means that I have no idea what to expect should I need something from the forementioned list of tragedies. Translation: I am TERRIFIED! 
I have these stupid nightmares about my teeth all the time. And in all of the dreams, my teeth fall out! I know that is from my fear of having a million cavities! Then what if they tell me I have gingivitis?? I don't want to go home worrying that my gums are going to look like this one day!

Pretty gross right? I mentioned to my mom on the phone today that I would love to get invisaline to fix my over bite. She mentioned that I should just get braces. "Have yourself some railroad tracks on your teeth!" I say heck no! Not that there is anything wrong with adults who have braces. But come on, i work with the public all day long. That is the last thing I need...One of my clients walks in for me to do their hair and I open my mouth to talk...all they see is this...

No thank you, I will pass!! My luck they would tell me I need to wear head  gear too. Talk about a nightmare! Along with all this teeth talk comes the part about the novacaine shot right into the gums. The thought of that makes me quiver from head to toe. 

AAAHHHH!!! And along with this picture I image the psycho music...you know the one!! One last thing to add, I can not think of a dentist with out thinking about this as well...

 

I can think of a few people who will appreciate this!! :) Oh Steve Martin!!

Confession #2

Some people giggle, some people squirm, some whistle it away, others lift their butt cheeks and just let it rip! However it is that people decide to let their flatulence out, I find it to be the funniest thing! Even when the moment calls for complete ignorance of the explosive gas that someone has just relieved their bowels of, I cant not contain myself from impending laughter. I have gone from 5 year old little girl, to 12 year old little boy in the matter of one confession. Is it my doom in life to never grow up?

Let's talk more about farts. I don't know what it is about them that I find so darn side-splitting. I can tell you that it is not the delicate bouquet that some seem to let slip out! I often wonder what they ate 10 years prior that would cause such an offensive aroma. Perhaps it is the shear sound of escaping gases advancing through what I like to call..butt cheeks! Or maybe it is the expression that some seem to display on their rather embarrassed face when they realized what they thought was going to puff out in silence going unnoticed, ended up a little more robust in nature than originally thought. Whatever the reason, I fine much joy and amusement in others shame. 

Since we are on the subject of farts still, we might as well go into names. Here you will find some of my favorites along with their definition. 

The Snart: This is a fart that you succeed in suppressing so as not to not to offend, but then a sneeze jars it loose. 

The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. 

The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess. 

The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common. 

The Bitburr: Sounds like just that--you're walking and the initial explosion "BIT!--" during one step is followed by a more gentle release of the rest of the volume during the next step: "brrrrrr..." 

The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. 

Ok, I think I am going to leave it at that. If you feel that you can not live without knowing the rest, here is an awesome website. http://www.fartnames.com/ 

And in case you are wondering, I did in fact laugh just about the entire way through writing this confession! In fact, I may have laughed out one or two farts of my own!  

Confession #1

As I sat here at my computer desk (my butt on the floor with my computer on a nightstand), I racked my brain for something interesting to write about on my first confession. I figured it had to be something good, but not too good (I gotta keep you coming back for more), and something that I would not necessarily tell someone just in random conversation. But would you imagine that it was random conversation that brought this topic to my head? Ironic? Sure, if I am understanding the word correctly! But, that is a whole other confession all in itself!

Confession #1 begins:

I am like a little girl. Forever stuck at age...oh...5, maybe, if I am lucky! I am 22 years old and I am still scared of the dark. No, not just a little spooked, like full on pretty much hate the dark! At night, when I turn out the light in my room, I beeline from where my light switch is to my bed. Not just straight course from light to bed, no that would be too easy! Before I even turn out the light I am in running stance. Hey, I have to be prepared! Let me just take it one step further, when I am about two feet from my bed, I JUMP! (At that moment you would think I was an Olympic hurdler.) If there is something under my bed it will grab at my feet if I just sit down, I have to just to avoid grabage! Come on, I'm sure you know what I mean! Once I am in bed I'm fine...unless my feet poke out from under the blanket...or over the edge of the bed!! :0 SCARY! That "thing" that is under the bed...this is opportunity number two for it to get me since I jumped to avoid it in the first place. Then, just when I think I am peacefully asleep til morning, I wake up! Dang it! I roll over and happen to open my eyes (something I avoid doing most nights). Is that..is that a person over in that corner?? Even worse....the "thing"??? AAAHHHH My imagination runs wild! At least that is what I tell myself it is. So instead of turning on the lights to see what I am actually looking at, I cover my head. If I can't see it, it can't see me! And if I reach out for a light...it will get me!!!! Of course there are those nights when I wake up and don't see anything. Those are the nights I wake up with that awful sudden urge to pee! When I think of nothing else but TOILET! That is until I open the door. Only then do I see how dark it is out in the hallway and remember about...dun dun dun..the "thing" again! Lights! I need lights!! I don't just turn on one light. Nope, gotta turn on every light from the bedroom all the way to the bathroom! Hey, I have to be able to see! What is the "thing" you ask? The boogie man of course!!!! Now, I don't believe in the boogie man himself! I am 5 after all, not 4! :)The boogie man is whatever I have to decided to be afraid of that night...

And so Confession #1 comes to an end....check under your bed tonight!!